personal experiences

My Journey with Claude Code. The more I use Claude Code, the more impressed I become.

I keep throwing progressively harder problems at it, and whenever the problem is conceptually tractable, it can usually just solve it. Not with hacks or brittle workarounds, but by actually engaging with the structure of the problem.

I decided to push it further by combining two difficult problems.

Difficult in the sense that either one would likely take me years to complete properly on my own let alone together whether the interaction between the two is a kind of complexity in its own right.

With the exception of one genuinely catastrophic error that required intervention to recover from, the tool has kept going, iterating, and making real progress.

What stands out most is that it seems to understand what progress actually is.

It does not treat the number of passing tests as a sacred metric. It is willing to break tests if that moves the system forward in a deeper, more honest way. That is something many humans struggle with.

The mere fact that it can reason about progress at all, rather than optimising a superficial proxy for it, is pretty remarkable

And to think the tool over past few months has seen pretty consistent improvement at the cadence of weeks with no end in sight.

Will software development be unrecognisable a year or even 6 months from now, I do not know.

Help. I've been contemplating non-violence and us-vs-them and many people I admire here say that's the way to go. The Texas Supreme Court just ruled that judges can deny gay couples marriages today. 

Help. Please tell me how to grieve. I never see you guys hate online. Is it weird that I don't feel loved when I just see silence on these issues?

Non-Conscious Circling . "Non-Conscious" and "Circling" suggestive play words.  I'm following up on a previous post to say that Dechen and I held a more "shamanic" variation of intersubjective group praxis on the final day at MSL in Vermont. The results were both continuous and distinct from the earlier experiments.  Unexpected emotional intensity, head pressure, feeling of exposure to nonhuman elements, rough coincidences, and the brightening of those most temperamentally allied with the so-called shamanic variants of the process. 

Why I keep forgetting that exercise feels amazing. This could just as easily live in my journal, but in my favorite version of reality a lot of things get added in the comments, and this lives as a resource for everyone and for me the next time I forget that exercise feels amazing.

The culture I was aware of as a kid: 

• Athletes go to gyms. The only other people that go to gyms are vain people, and they only go because they care about having an impressive appearance.
• Exercise is hard and painful. If it's not kicking you're ass, you're lazy.
• I loved playing soccer all through childhood. When I started Junior High I tried out for the soccer team. I was the best player at tryouts- scored the most goals, saved the most goals, had the most steals. But I didn't make the team because I wasn't competitive enough. On the last day of tryouts I gave goals to girls who seemed like their self-esteem was getting battered by their failure to get a goal.

My initial influences in adulthood:

• In undergrad I was required to take dance class all 4 years. The dance teacher's job was to prepare us for Broadway dance auditions, which are usually "cattle calls" of hundreds of people auditioning for one spot. So you had to be the best, the sharpest, the fastest to learn the choreography, the fastest to get into position. These classes were the first time in my life I learned what "getting into shape" meant. He spent the entire first semester of freshman year teaching us what the names of our muscles were by spending an entire 90-minute session going ham on that muscle. Freshmen voice majors at Carnegie Mellon limped around campus and yelped trying to pick up their backpacks. I wasn't taught about warm ups, cool downs, or how to navigate muscle soreness. I was expected to be capable of at least two versions of the splits by the end of my first semester of college, so I spent hours doing homework in very uncomfortable body positions.
• In my thirties I worked with personal trainers three times. I didn't know this at the time, but I've since learned from a friend who is a health coach that most people come to a personal training session and give about 40% effort, so most trainers get in the habit of pushing and pushing them to harder things in the hopes the client gets to 75 or 80%. My trainers and I didn't know that because of my dance training I was showing up giving 110%. So they pushed me the way they pushed all of their clients. And I did everything in my power to be obedient to what they were telling me to do. It took me 8 years to realize that what I had been calling "pushing my edge" had actually been the cusp of a panic attack because my heart rate was way too high and I was pushing strength training to the point of risking injury.

New updates to my experiences and beliefs about exercise:

• Thanks largely to my health coach friend, a wise ex-boyfriend, and resources from Dr. Stacey Sims, I finally was able to believe them that not only doesn't exercise have to be painful, the cortisol, muscle soreness, etc. caused from pushing create more problems than the workouts solve. And when exercise sucks it's wildly de-motivating and unsustainable.
• I've learned through countless failed attempts and Dr. Sims that any workout plan that doesn't take my menstrual cycle into account is doomed from the start. I learned that in the days before my bleed my body takes all of the tissue-rebuilding ingredients away from things like muscle repair and diverts it all to building the uterine lining. So strength training during this time results in a week of relentless pain and soreness. I've learned that during my follicular phase I'm a literal superhero. Live it up while I can, but for god's sake do not set that as my new standard to build on top of because the cycle is going to loop back again. I've learned that women have about 30% the glycogen stores in their muscles as men, so keto and fasted workouts are a distaster. I literally need to have eaten carbs before workouts to have any legitamite fuel to work with.
• I've had fits and starts of working out, but then I'd start listening to some damn exercise podcast, fall into my old mindset of "pushing for gains," and the habit would collapse.

New intentional mindsets:

I'm a week into returning to exercise, and so far everything about it is wildly different than before. I consistently feel the tug back toward my old mindsets, but I'm practicing reminding myself of these things over and over and over.

• Do classes, but relinquish obedience. The classes are great for me because a very knowledgable person has crafted something great without my having to expend any mental energy at all. But the key is that I stay connected with my body and be always willing to disobey the instructor in favor of what my body needs.
• Start slow and easy. What I want most if for exercise to become a favorite part of my lifestyle for the rest of my life. I've been mostly going to "Restorative" classes that are passive yoga stretches in a structure designed to regulate the nervous system. Nothing's hard, nothing hurts, and I leave feeling wonderful. This is SO effective at making me look forward to getting in the car and driving to the gym the next day.
• Pride can be a great energy source. It does seem to be part of my true nature that I would like other people in the class to be impressed with me. I want to be impressed with me. I'm intentionally relinquishing the lifelong energy source of "I want to get thin and hot" and replacing it with "I wanna leave here feeling impressed with myself."
• Two mindsets I picked up from Arun, "I like being a regular" and "third place," had me choose Austin Bouldering Project as my gym. It's just fucking cool, and very attractive people are everywhere. I like the thought of becoming a regular there. A lot. People knowing my name, new friendships, maybe even finding a romantic partner who likes going to the same gym together. And third place is based on home being the first place and work being the second place. I love the midset of choosing ABP as my third place. I bring my laptop and co-work upstairs after working out. I chill in the sauna.

These are all such different mindset orientations than I've ever had before, and I hope writing this helps me remember that when I do it wisely from the right mindsets, exercise and going to the gym feels friggin amazing.

Dating is over. 

discuss...

Why I keep forgetting that exercise feels amazing. This could just as easily live in my journal, but in my favorite version of reality a lot of things get added in the comments, and this lives as a resource for everyone and for me the next time I forget that exercise feels amazing.

The culture I was aware of as a kid: 

• Athletes go to gyms. The only other people that go to gyms are vain people, and they only go because they care about having an impressive appearance.
• Exercise is hard and painful. If it's not kicking you're ass, you're lazy.
• I loved playing soccer all through childhood. When I started Junior High I tried out for the soccer team. I was the best player at tryouts- scored the most goals, saved the most goals, had the most steals. But I didn't make the team because I wasn't competitive enough. On the last day of tryouts I gave goals to girls who seemed like their self-esteem was getting battered by their failure to get a goal.

My initial influences in adulthood:

• In undergrad I was required to take dance class all 4 years. The dance teacher's job was to prepare us for Broadway dance auditions, which are usually "cattle calls" of hundreds of people auditioning for one spot. So you had to be the best, the sharpest, the fastest to learn the choreography, the fastest to get into position. These classes were the first time in my life I learned what "getting into shape" meant. He spent the entire first semester of freshman year teaching us what the names of our muscles were by spending an entire 90-minute session going ham on that muscle. Freshmen voice majors at Carnegie Mellon limped around campus and yelped trying to pick up their backpacks. I wasn't taught about warm ups, cool downs, or how to navigate muscle soreness. I was expected to be capable of at least two versions of the splits by the end of my first semester of college, so I spent hours doing homework in very uncomfortable body positions.
• In my thirties I worked with personal trainers three times. I didn't know this at the time, but I've since learned from a friend who is a health coach that most people come to a personal training session and give about 40% effort, so most trainers get in the habit of pushing and pushing them to harder things in the hopes the client gets to 75 or 80%. My trainers and I didn't know that because of my dance training I was showing up giving 110%. So they pushed me the way they pushed all of their clients. And I did everything in my power to be obedient to what they were telling me to do. It took me 8 years to realize that what I had been calling "pushing my edge" had actually been the cusp of a panic attack because my heart rate was way too high and I was pushing strength training to the point of risking injury.

New updates to my experiences and beliefs about exercise:

• Thanks largely to my health coach friend, a wise ex-boyfriend, and resources from Dr. Stacey Sims, I finally was able to believe them that not only doesn't exercise have to be painful, the cortisol, muscle soreness, etc. caused from pushing create more problems than the workouts solve. And when exercise sucks it's wildly de-motivating and unsustainable.
• I've learned through countless failed attempts and Dr. Sims that any workout plan that doesn't take my menstrual cycle into account is doomed from the start. I learned that in the days before my bleed my body takes all of the tissue-rebuilding ingredients away from things like muscle repair and diverts it all to building the uterine lining. So strength training during this time results in a week of relentless pain and soreness. I've learned that during my follicular phase I'm a literal superhero. Live it up while I can, but for god's sake do not set that as my new standard to build on top of because the cycle is going to loop back again. I've learned that women have about 30% the glycogen stores in their muscles as men, so keto and fasted workouts are a distaster. I literally need to have eaten carbs before workouts to have any legitamite fuel to work with.
• I've had fits and starts of working out, but then I'd start listening to some damn exercise podcast, fall into my old mindset of "pushing for gains," and the habit would collapse.

New intentional mindsets:

I'm a week into returning to exercise, and so far everything about it is wildly different than before. I consistently feel the tug back toward my old mindsets, but I'm practicing reminding myself of these things over and over and over.

• Do classes, but relinquish obedience. The classes are great for me because a very knowledgable person has crafted something great without my having to expend any mental energy at all. But the key is that I stay connected with my body and be always willing to disobey the instructor in favor of what my body needs.
• Start slow and easy. What I want most if for exercise to become a favorite part of my lifestyle for the rest of my life. I've been mostly going to "Restorative" classes that are passive yoga stretches in a structure designed to regulate the nervous system. Nothing's hard, nothing hurts, and I leave feeling wonderful. This is SO effective at making me look forward to getting in the car and driving to the gym the next day.
• Pride can be a great energy source. It does seem to be part of my true nature that I would like other people in the class to be impressed with me. I want to be impressed with me. I'm intentionally relinquishing the lifelong energy source of "I want to get thin and hot" and replacing it with "I wanna leave here feeling impressed with myself."
• Two mindsets I picked up from Arun, "I like being a regular" and "third place," had me choose Austin Bouldering Project as my gym. It's just fucking cool, and very attractive people are everywhere. I like the thought of becoming a regular there. A lot. People knowing my name, new friendships, maybe even finding a romantic partner who likes going to the same gym together. And third place is based on home being the first place and work being the second place. I love the midset of choosing ABP as my third place. I bring my laptop and co-work upstairs after working out. I chill in the sauna.

These are all such different mindset orientations than I've ever had before, and I hope writing this helps me remember that when I do it wisely from the right mindsets, exercise and going to the gym feels friggin amazing.

On intimacy and sex in movies and TV. I was watching a movie a few weeks ago, and after a reunion thing between a man and a woman happened, there was this implied sense of knowing each other, of real connection, and then they immediately jumped into bed.  Something about this seemed totally off, and it occurred to me that sex in TV and movies is often used as a substitute for 'real' intimacy, that bc intimacy is so hard to do in real life, and likely harder in film, it's easier to just represent it with sex.

I suspect this has had a knock-on affect in that in consuming such representation, people have learned that the thing you do when you want to feel really connected/intimate with someone, is sleep with them.  Ofc, this isn't the height of intimacy, but a pale reflection of what is possible, and it's ability to create a sense of connection varies wildly.

You’re doing sex wrong: What I wish everyone knew about the emotional presence, physical skill, and energetic magnitude of blissful, fulfilling sex. Emotional Presence

Orgasm is a paltry goal

Orgasms aren’t always a clear yes-or-no thing for me. There’s an ever-growing range of pleasurable experiences that I call “orgasm,” and the one I’m certain would be widely agreed upon as an orgasm is the least pleasurable one for me (it’s still very pleasurable, but it's last on my list.)

Here are some examples of wonderful aims to have in sex. None of these require orgasm; all of these could include orgasm as a delicious side-effect.

• Feeling more connected to each other

• Co-regulation

• Joy and play

• Exploration and discovery

• Prayer, awe, and communion with the divine

• Experiencing enjoyable sensations

• Embracing the present moment

• Basking in beauty

Sex as embodied emotions

Making love, sex, and fucking are three different things for me that are also able to coexist.

Making love is embodied emotions intertwining.

Sex is a physical act.

Fucking is carnal enactments of our animal beings.

All three (and any combination) are more wonderful, and more vulnerable, when everyone involved is present in their bodies and emotions. When I’m embodied during physical intimacy, I’m likely to cry, to admit I feel self-conscious or inadequate, to pursue repressed cravings, to discover I’m not who I thought I was, to feel overwhelmed with love, to feel helplessly swept away by sensation…

I was in my 30’s the first time I had intimacy where we were both fully embodied and emotionally present with each other. Since then, I’ve had basically no interest in sex that isn’t borne of emotions. 

Say your love

We’re used to saying “I love you,” and “Thank you for…” but it’s very rare for people to say their love.

It’s impossible to say why I love someone. The love itself seems to just happen, regardless of anything. But I can describe what loving them is like. And I can name things I love about them.

“When someone says you’re awesome, it feels like they’ve also just told me I’m awesome. They see what I see about you.”

“It feels like you celebrate me for exactly who I am, and that you’re already celebrating anything I will discover about myself.”

“I admire the responsibilities you choose to take on.”

It started with a dear friend. We’d hit a rough patch, and when we talked it through I learned that it’s incredibly helpful for her when I say what I love about her. I’d always noticed those things, so it was just a matter of remembering to say them out loud. 

It was like magic to our friendship, the bond turned from string to rope.

A few months later I added the practice into another very close friendship. It was instantaneously generative, I was blown away. That experience has been so rewarding that I didn’t even realize I was starting to do it with everyone. Unexpectedly, it has started to come back to me. I noticed because love started coming from different people than the ones I had been saying my love to, seemingly out of nowhere.

“I don’t know of anyone better at building community than you. The group wouldn’t be what it is without you.”

“You don’t seem to be doing personal growth from wanting to fix or change yourself at all. It feels so good to be around.”

It’s a beautiful practice because you consistently draw your attention to where your love connects to the words that come out of your mouth. It’s a beautiful practice because intimacy instantly increases when you say your love, even if they have trouble really taking it in, because you’re more in tune with why they matter to you and to your gratitude for having them in your life.

Physical Skill

Your body

Integrate your body sensations.

The next time you’re massaging a sore muscle, notice whether you feel an invisible boundary when your hand goes near where massage therapists don’t go. Try expanding that boundary line while keeping the intention of massage instead of shifting to foreplay or masturbation.

The next time you’re experiencing sexual pleasure, notice whether you keep the sensations of pleasure confined to certain areas of your body. Try using your breath and your attention to share the pleasure with your whole body, your whole self.

Lips and kissing

Kissing is, for me, one of the most deeply intimate interactions of all. My lips are very sensitive, and to meet someone else’s lips feels like an electrical connection straight to our essences.

Where is your attention when you kiss? Maybe it’s mental, an expression of care. Maybe it’s habitual, a ritual of attachment. Maybe it’s goal-oriented, a first step toward sex. 

Next time, before you kiss, feel your lips. Let the nerve endings come alive and start to tingle. Feel the sensations of smiling, of your lips touching each other, of your tongue wetting your lips and the air brushing the wetness. Approach your partner’s lips slowly, and sense the excitement of increasing closeness building in your chest. Pause before your lips are touching, and swim in your longing. Imagine how their lips will feel to your sensitized skin. Kiss from discovery, your lips finding theirs. Explore sensations. Feel your turn-on.

When I do this with a partner who is compatibly oriented, my body responds intensely. I have uncontrollable contractions. This is one of the sensations I choose to call orgasm, and this one is very high on my pleasure list.

The cervix

Women hold tension in their cervix. The cervix can be as soft and supple as a cloud, or as hard as a rock, and everywhere in-between. When there is a lot of tension in the cervix, no amount of foreplay will calm her enough for her to be able to feel her own turn-on, and penetration will be painful. Imagine the fiercest muscle knot you’ve ever had, then imagine someone banging repeatedly on that muscle knot with a hammer. It’s just like that.

The tension in the cervix can be released with tender, patient, attuned cervical massage. She may have a lifetime’s worth of pain and anxiety held there. Be prepared for her to cry. A lot. Be prepared to stop and hold her while she sobs. Be prepared for this practice to be something you have to return to over and over for weeks or months. The benefits of cervical massage can be out of this world. 

When my cervix is soft, it’s impossible to remember what want or resentment feel like. When my cervix is soft, it’s easy to feel turn-on, joy, forgiveness, and bliss.

The penis

Imagine orienting to sex from the perspective of an emotional and energetic experience instead of from the perspective of a physical act. Concepts of size or hardness don’t make sense from this perspective.

It’s common in tantra to call the penis the “wand of light.” The power isn’t based on the shape or density of the wand, the power is in the intensity and clarity of the light.

When I feel love for him and our connection is well-tended, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s an uncommon shape. When I trust him and feel safe to release any vigilance, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s small. When his heart is penetrating mine through his eyes, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s soft. When he is fully embodied in himself and is rooted in experiencing his pleasure with me, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s not inside me.

Energetic Magnitude

Sex doesn’t require nudity or touch

Not long ago, I landed in sustained silent eye contact with a former partner. I felt locked in, like a tractor beam, and I liked it, even though it was intimidating. I surrendered to the experience. I let go of the need to think thoughts. I let go of what other people might think of us. I let go of the need to understand anything at all. I let all of my attention drop into the electric, spacious experience of our connection. After some minutes (I had also released my sense of time) I had what seemed like a flashback to one of the times we’d had sex. As I stayed in the experience, it became clear that it wasn’t actually a flashback, it was a present experience. I was fully clothed, across the room from him, completely still except for breathing, and I was fully immersed in energetic union.

Experiment with consensual energetic lovemaking. Rest into eye contact. Receive the ecstasy of that person’s attention on you. Share the euphoria throughout your body and let it wake every nerve ending. Feel the fact that your clothes and the air are already caressing your skin. Notice that you’re already being penetrated by air with each inhale. Imagine your pleasure being able to glow out of you to warm and nourish your partner.

If you become able to fully do this while also physically making love, prepare to feel wrapped in divine bliss.

Embodiment

Years ago, I was having sex with my then-boyfriend, and his penis kept feeling like it was changing size. Dramatically. It didn’t feel like it was getting softer or harder, it felt like it was ranging from nothing to almost more than I could take. It was fascinating. Without explanation, when I felt the size change I said a number for what size his penis felt, from zero to 100. 

During the post-coital cuddle, he said, “I don’t know how you did that thing with the numbers. Every number was completely accurate of how dissociated I felt.” We talked it through, both of us amazed, that I said low numbers when he felt very dissociated, and I said high numbers when he felt very embodied.

Embodiment during physical intimacy is no small ask. You’ll be aware of everything you’re self-conscious about, everything you hide, everything you believe isn’t loveable in yourself. You will have to learn to believe all of you is loveable to fully embody the being they’re making love to. It’s a practice, and it may take a long time. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself endless grace for the journey.

I hope that I’ve only just begun discovering what’s possible.

I hope something you’ve read here gives your life more pleasure, love, presence, and joy.

I hope to learn from you for the rest of my life.

#DeepTakes

Significance of Kendrick Lamar's Superbowl performance. Here's what I've learned so far, would love to hear everything others find!

The Drake Stuff

• As the lights in the audience at the end said, this is Kendrick's "Game Over" in his ever-increasing beef with Drake. They teased the song "Not Like Us," in which Kendrik calls Drake a pedophile, nodding to the immense talk over whether he would perform the song there. When they did do that song, they added insult to injury by panning the camera over a cameo of Drake's ex, Serena Williams, dancing.

Black Culture

• Every human in the entire halftime show was black, including the prime old-school representative of the USA, Uncle Sam, portrayed by Samuel Jackson.
• When the dancers were in the american flag formation made only of men, there was a potent dance move of them all simultaneously did the Black Power fist.
• One youtuber referenced the significance of the colors, when Kendrick was wearing mostly blue and the only other color on stage was dancers wearing red, that it was a powerful reference to last year's "Pop Out" concert in LA which was a groundbreaking moment in music creating unity because the stage was filled with members of both the Bloods and the Crips, two gangs that have had decades of violence between them, going so far as to gather for a group photo at the end of the concert. During the photo, Kendrick said "This is unity at its finest... this shit makes me prouder than a motherfucker..."
• The choreography was jam packed with black culture, all the way to one of the most successful tennis players in history Crip Walking.
• Black culture is also celebrated with the souped up Grand National car, streetlights, and clothing styles.

Things I want to know more about:

• There had to have been a lot of commentaries on America with how blatant that theme was. I'd love to learn what all people find, beyond what I've heard about the boldness of doing that while Trump was also there.
• Symbolism, including the colors and all other things I missed.
• Significance throughout the lyrics and phrases that were added in during transitions, etc.

Monogamy v polyamory. Is monogamy better? Is poly better? Is there an overall norm for people, with exceptions? Is it totally pluralistic? Here are some points for monogamy, with some counter points, to convey some of my uncertainty but nevertheless leaning into what I’ve chosen:

• Point: I don’t know a single polyamorous couple that’s lasted more than a decade, whereas I know a ton of lifelong monogamous couples.
  • Counterpoint: many of the lifelong monogamous couples are not healthy relationships
    • Counter-counter-point: perhaps being in a lifelong commitment, even if the relationship isn’t ideal, is more healthy than being hyper-independent, especially as you get older. This runs right up against boundaries, how to know what to tolerate/love as is, when to leave, etc
• Point: The poly focus of attention tends to be the relationships themselves, often a kind of relational narcissism, rather than the relationship being a foundation for engaging the world in love (ironically). This is my version of the poly is impractical argument. Most of the people I meet practicing polyamory are constantly putting tons and tons and tons of life energy into their relational problems, and it seems like their relationships are often built around addressing these problems rather than enjoying life together. The fact that it takes so much time and energy points to something being a little off. Monogamous relating also takes energy but it usually seems less self-referential; they’re more often helping each other face and engage the world, rather than face and engage each other and their relationship.
  • potential counterpoint: You’re making a developmental point Jordan, not a mono/poly point. Most people practice poly from a Red ego-centric POV; most people practice sex from Red as well. If you practice from a genuine Green+ polyamory, this doesn’t happen.
• Point: Humans are largely monogamous; it’s instinctual
  • Counterpoint: How would we know if its cultural versus biological versus systemic versus psychological per person/family? it only takes a couple of generations of evolution to make massive physical changes, so even if it is biological, how could we know what’s possible for the future?
  • Counterpoint: people wanna fuck, especially dudes
  • Cheating, mistresses, polygamy, Sex at Dawn etc…
• Point: Many poly people avoid endings, boundaries, standards, and facing their own karma by just jumping from relationships to relationship. Sure monogamous people do too, but many of them end up getting married and that crucible forces them to face their stuff. Far fewer poly people get married, and when they do they can still use other relationships to avoid their shit
  • Counterpoint: we can use absolutely everything to avoid our shit.

there’s tons more, just want to get the convo started…

I want a new archetype for libertarian well-being activist. Maybe it’s an old archetype and some German philosophers have been talking abt it for centuries…

My climbing gym is called Crux; the original location is moving because the rent is too high, and the landlord won’t work with the climbing gym…

The gym is in a part of the city that used be considered south, but now is centralish. I think all of austin loses when we lose places like this. We lose our character and our well being.

I want the landlord to be the libertarian well-being activist. My mom does this for the Relateful Studio. I didn’t ask and no one makes her; hardly anyone knows and she doesn’t get any tax benefits; we still pay her a good bit each month but it’s under market. She’s doing exactly what she wants to be doing with her money and investments: supporting her son’s vision.

The climbing gym landlord isn’t a bad guy, probably. Maybe he has loads of debt; maybe he has a wound from childhood that he’s trying to heal, but
Is the climbing gym landlord doing exactly what he wants?

I want endosymbiosis activists; where what they do is good for the whole and them, and they sacrifice neither. I want this to be a meme, that people strive to be. I want them to brag about it in their hearts, and try to remain undiscovered. I once heard that in Judaism the best mitzvahs are the ones no one knows you did.

How to hold healthy boundaries with people we love but deeply disagree with. I have decided not to travel to attend a dear friend’s wedding because it’s happening less than a week before the election, and my friend very publicly brings their political opinions in ways I disagree with, ways that play into unhealthy and potentially dangerous interpersonal dynamics.

I want to talk to my friend about it. I think they’ll be able to truly hear me if I can find the ways to show up that don’t also fall into the dynamic. I want to be able to do what I wish my friend (and others) would do- stand rooted where I’m at without playing into an I’m right, you’re wrong. I want instead to be able to share, Your method of approach has side effects I don’t want to be around, even to the extent of missing this important and beautiful life event that I would otherwise do everything in my power to attend.

I don’t know what I’m asking y’all for, if anything. But I do have the sense that UpTrust is being built for just this type of thing.

Could it be ethically ok to not vote? note: I posted this two hours before Biden stepped down. It’s possible that a different Dem candidate could change my choices, but my overall perspective feels the same.

A lot of people I’m close to have very strong opinions that to not vote in this presidential election is wrong. But I have no interest in voting. It genuinely seems to me that things will be perfectly not ideal no matter what happens in the election.

My best guess of what’s happening culturally is that the mean green meme has gotten really far down its negative feedback loop, and red, orange, and amber are swarming on the attack. If that’s right, a breaking point of sorts will have to be hit for teal to get to its tipping point. In 12-step terms, green would have to hit rock bottom to be able to finally admit it has a problem and needs help.

I wouldn’t be surprised if teal’s tipping point would have to be particularly intense because it’s also the tipping point into second tier, and we have no historical reference for what it takes for a culture to begin to get a foothold in a new tier (the big bang, the formulation of simple cells, and the leap from apes to humans might be comparable but difficult to translate…)

This thought process just leaves me trusting what’s happening, and voting just doesn’t feel like one of the ways I want to participate in this happening.

Failing to Learn to Drive. After I got my learner’s permit, my mom took me to a large parking lot near our house to teach me how to drive. She had a manual car, because that’s what she learned back in Uruguay and she liked it better.

She explained to me how the clutch, break and accelerator work (I had no model of it before this). and how to do the gentle handoff between letting go of the clutch as you engage the accelerator. But there was a problem - she told me the clutch and the break reversed, meaning she told me the clutch was the break pedal, and the break was the clutch.

When I tried to start the car and put it into gear, the car would start jerking violently back and forth, and then stall. i did this again and again for an hour. Every once in a while we’d trade seats, and my mom would carefully pay attention to how she was doing it, and then proceed to explain it to me wrong again and again. At some point I said I must be doing something wrong and she said Clearly! in anger. I was totally convinced I’d never be able to learn how to drive.

Somehow every one in twenty attempts worked, and I was able to get the car into first gear and drive around. I would then try to get into second gear and the same thing would happen again - jerk violently and then stall.

At some point I managed to get into second gear by miracle, and after driving around the parking lot a few times, she suggested we take it out into the street and drive home. When I got to the first intersection, I got in a collision with a car that turned illegaly (I had the green light). there was no damage to my car, but the other guy broke his headlight. He then drove off in a hurry instead of exchanging information.

I was now stuck in the middle of the intersection, in a panic, with cars waiting in every direction, and I couldn’t get the car started. i was trying but it kept jerking and stalling every time. eventually we traded seats, in front of everyone, and drove home. I was super embarrassed.
I never asked my mom to teach me to drive (or anything else) after that, and for the next two years I commuted to college via subway, an hour and a half each way, every day.
It wasn’t until late sophomore year that I made a friend, Elkin, who was willing to patiently and kindly teach me to drive manual. He drove me to the driving exam, which I then failed. Three times. Motor skills don’t come easy to me. Finally the fourth time I passed.

Thank you Elkin for your help. you were a great friend.